When it hurts

There are many things that contribute to the hurt of gossip..one of them is low self esteeem and not being able to love yourself or others.
Speaking from experience I can literally write a book on pain from people.
From the moment people could notice something about me they talked. Painful talks that hurt even now.
When people hurt you they don't think of the consequences. They dont think how hard it might be for you in your daily life ,they dont know the things you don't tell them.
Loving yourself isn't always the easiest thing to do.
For those who are fortunate and are surrounded daily by people who love them ...are so blessed. The people who were told everyday that they were beautiful or that they were loved.
People who never had to go through life changing events. When those events occur you can go 1 of 2 routes, the one where you use that pain to become a better person or the road were you become hardened and angry.
I write from a place of unknowing, I never know if im happy or if im sad...some days im both. When I look back at the events that have happend I feel like I should be so strong, like I should love myself and be proud because I have jumped over more hurdles than others. But, it doesnt feel like that. It feels like people are still talking ever so loudly and hating me and for what reason...I may never know...
I think that Not being sure of yourself might be the real problem...If you constantly are hearing something...do you begin to believe it's true?..do you lie awake at night and try to figure out if what your hearing about you is the truth about yourself.

It"s hard to love , especially to love yourself..Because off so many things I've felt...Idont think I know how to love....and that is a big realization. Its hard for me to become this person who gets love showered on them and returns it. I dont trust people mostly because I havent had anyone in my life who I can trust.
Am I wrong because people have made me who I am.
Am I wrong for thinking twice before telling someone my good news or my bad news.
Or am I wrong for thinking every person in my life who APPEARS to be good is never really that way.
What damage are we doing to ourselves when we screen our entire life instead of just letting it happen.
At some point I would just love to be surrounded by good people in my life who truly just want to be around me because they love me and I would love to be able to love them back,
but would I be a fool if i did...knowing I've only been hurt by people in my life?

How can you tell the difference between the real ones and the fake ones?

Peace and Love
Benji-Wilson